Stories from the Army
Tale of Two Explosives Experts
The following is an excerpt of memorandum communications between HiiRagi, Leader of the HiiRagi Army and 'Birdie' Chief Mechanical Officer, i.e. he builds the robots. Needless to say, this is all Top Secret.
Why don’t you introduce yourself to our readers?
DD: I’m Desert Dick. I am the HiiRagi Army’s foremost Desert Survival specialist. You’ll find it’s all included in my up coming book ‘Survive and THRIVE in the Desert with Desert Dick’, a compendium of all my daring adventures, survival tips and good old-fashioned fun.
What’s a common misconception about Desert Survival?
DD: People tend to think only of the desert as an endless horizon of sand dunes but deserts occur in a variety of other terrains such as high altitude mountains, rocky plateaus, salty marshes and broken, dissected terrain. All of this makes movement and navigation difficult as there are few landmarks. This also brings in the issue of cover and concealment, of which there is little, making the treat of exposure to the enemy very real. Lucky for me, I’m an expert but you can learn too. Just pre-order a copy of my new book, Survive and THRIVE in the Desert with Desert Dick.
Hmmm, quite. As an ‘expert’ in the field, what do you get asked about most?
DD: The most common question I get asked is about drinking urine. Robots are so crude sometimes.
I mean, for the Love of HiiRagi, drinking your own urine! Downright uncivilised. I had to do it once, you know. Low point. Never again. You can read about it in my upcoming book – Survive and THRIVE in the Desert with Desert Dick. Do you think the double mention of “Desert’ works? Hmmm… yes. Yes, I think it does work.
Any suggestions if you are out of water in the Desert then?
DD: Well, the way I see it you have three options available to you:
1) You can stand around like Luke Skywalker on Tatooine and whinge about all of your friends having gone off to the Academy;
2) You can dig holes at the lowest point in dry river beds or water holes and hope to strike water; or
3) You can take control of your situation and make a solar still! (For any recruit who still can’t decided, you're going to do number 3).
And you can learn how to make a solar still in my forthcoming book – Survive and THRIVE in the Desert with Desert Dick.
As you previously mentioned. So, what is the most important survival tool you can take into the Desert?
My most important survival item is my team. You have to have a good team around you. I take a different team depending upon the mission but they all have to be useful. Of course, if I need to take solo action I can and will. You can read about my solo missions in my upcoming boo-
Yeah, ok we get the picture. Thank you for your time.
5 Questions with Hardarse Bunny Brigade
Today we are talking with Recon Unit: Hardarse Bunny Brigade. Don't be fooled by the bunny suit. Within that furry uniform are Robots that push themselves to the limits in this ultimate field combat role, applying formidable mental and physical assets to highly demanding special operations against a formidable foe. Bunny Briagdier took a few moments out from training to answer a few questions. Let's hop to it...
1. What is it like being in the Hardarse Bunny Brigade?
It’s exciting and dangerous. You know, people think its all frolicking in the grass and bouncing in the sunshine but it’s not. We have to keep the bunnies under constant surveillance and if you’ve seen how those little buggers move, you’d realise it’s not an easy task. Especially at this time of year. It’s 24/7.
2. Do you really think Bunnies are a real threat?
Are you kidding? Bunnies are a formidable force to be reckoned with, and any interaction with them has the potential to escalate. Bunnies are fast, strong and well organised. Their network of tunnels enables them to move tactically without notice and potentially hide weapons of mass destruction with little trouble. Don’t be fooled by their cute little noses, liquid eyes and soft soft fur. They’re definitely up to something and it’s our job to find out what. You think they’re not?
Interviewer: Well, it’s just hard to see it when I look at them.
Bunny Brigader: And that’s the problem. Look. We all heard what happened to the Brigadier…* Why don’t you ask the him if he thinks they’re a threat? He’s just over there (points at the incredibly scarred and scary Brigadier Bunny).
Interviewer: shakes head declining the offer and tries to not make eye contact.
Bunny Brigader: No? Didn’t think so.
3. What are your thoughts on the Hardarse Bunny Brigade suit?
Bunny Brigader: Are you taking the piss?
Interviewer: Of course not.
Bunny Brigader: Ok. If you are and I find out I’m coming for you, remember that. Ok. The key to your suit is to get the right fit because the chaffing could bring even the hardest robot to their knees.
Interviewer: Is that why you smell of Bepanthan?
Bunny Brigader: It’s an essential survival tool. We want to be called Hardarse for the right reasons, not for a skin condition.
4. Any tips for our readers?
Don’t go into the tunnels on your own. And never underestimate your adversary regardless of their appearance, you might take a lesson from that (looks pointedly at Interviewer).
5. On a scale of 1-10 how great is HiiRagi?
You can't put a number on HiiRagi's greatness. I can't believe you even ask that question. Does HiiRagi know you ask that question?
*No one knows for sure what happened to the Bunny Brigadier except he went into a Bunny Tunnel and was found a few days later covered in cuts and dirt with a haunted expression. He has refused to talk about his experiences publicly but speculation runs rife and he is known as the Hardest of the Hardarse Bunny Brigade.